Heard The One About A Priest And A Rabbi?

Remember when we were told that laughter was the best medicine?  Well what ever happened to that medicine?  Seems like it expired from sitting too long on the shelf.  Not too long ago, it seemed as though everyone was a comedian.  They all had a joke to share.  The workplace was a virtual comedy club with someone always have a joke to share.  Sometimes they were raunchy, sexist, racist and downright unacceptable but still jokes all the same.  On any given day, I would hear at least ten anecdotes.  What happened?  The well of jokes ran dry?  Has our world become too serious a place?

Some time ago,  I went to a co-worker’s office to tell him a joke that I thought was funny.  At the end of it he stared at me as if waiting for the punch line. I was like ‘err..hmmm…’ and repeated a few lines with emphasis on the punch line in case he missed the joke. He finally managed a weak smile.  Not sure if he got it.  Laughter in the workplace is dead folks!

There are way too many stern faces walking around out there.  Seen your boss lately?  Tell him a joke.  Maybe he needs to lighten up.  Let’s prescribe some old-fashioned medicine, laughter.

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Takes of A Background Extra. Take One.

Yesterday, my wife and I spent the better part of the afternoon and evening on the set of the sequel to a popular horror series.  We signed a waiver not to divulge any information on or about the movie so I’m not saying what it was.

I enjoy studying people and how they interact and react in their environment, so as I sat in the extras holding area waiting for our call to the set, I watched and listened. Some of the extras walked around as though they were the main actors and actresses on the set.  They spoke to their friends and other extras about the amount of calls they got and who they met.  I thought, who cares? You are still just an extra.   

Then we were told that a ‘big actress’ was going to be in the movie so we were not only supposed to keep mum on that bit of info but also stay away from her. Have no contact, verbal or otherwise.  I thought, Really? I hate to break it to you people but I’m here for the money, not the fame. My ship has sailed.  When I finally saw her, neither her name nor her face rang a bell anyways.

We were herded like cattle from set to holding and back by a young punk who looked like he was there to impress his bosses.  He kept shushing us as we sat in on a courtroom scene even though the only sound came from the crew people.  Maybe he shouldpay more attention instead of seeking more attention.

Our first snack consisted of sandwiches.  I hate sandwiches! But I ate a tuna sandwich all the same and hid a roast beef sandwich just in case.  I hate sandwiches! I am serious!  Five hours after that, we were called to lunch/supper.  I could smell the hot food aroma before I entered the room and rubbed my hands in anticipation.  It was not for us.  It was for the crew and extras who were part of the ACTRA. (Extras were automatically members if they had a speaking part.  No matter how small or insignificant).

So the crew and the important extras, were treated to lasagna, rice, salad and the works while we were given a bagged meal.  It consisted of a sandwich. AGAIN? an orange, a cookie and a small sample-size bag of chips.  I felt like a kid again.  I later watched as the leftover lasagna was taken to be tossed.

In the hallways outside the set, a table was decorated with bananas, coffee, apples and other nice snacks.  Right across from the table was a water fountain.  We were only allowed access to that.  Talk about teasing and tempting…I suddenly had a craving for a banana.

A female from the production crew told us to wait in room 214 but while we were walking there like docile cows, we were turned back by another crew member who told us to retreat to where we were.  It’s amazing how no one found all this irritating.  No one complained about anything. Not the food, not the herding, not the shushing, not the kids talking to grown and respectable adults as if they were stupid children.  I didn’t understand it.  Put them in a car and try to tell them where to go and you won’t hear the end of it.  Is it the chance to feel like they are part of something? Rubbing shoulders with the elite? Bragging rights? I don’t know.  I was ready to tell this guy where to go with his, “Go here, go there, don’t talk, don’t move.” You can take your job and shove it! You young greasy hair, lasagna-eating punk!

After all that, I will do it again and again because  I love the feeling of rubbing shoulders with the elite and feeling like I’m a part of something.  I also know that the food does not always come in a brown bag.  So see you on the next set!

Texteritis almost claimed driver!

Texteritis warning

I wrote a blog a while ago about the new pandemic that was sweeping the world, texteritis.  Many of you did not believe me and ventured out without protection from this dreaded killer disease.   Some of you paid a high price and some barely made it.  Here’s a story of one such reader who barely made it.

By Jordana Divon

With all the horrific stories about texting and driving, it’s amazing how many people continue to do it.

And as QMI Agency reports, a 21-year-old man got a pretty terrifying reply from the universe to one of his on-the-road messages.

Chance Bothe had just typed: “I need to quit texting because I could die in a car accident” to a friend when he lost control of his pickup, flew off a bridge and went careening into a ravine 35 feet below. The Texas college student survived — but barely.

A hospital report revealed he suffered traumatic brain injuries, a broken neck, a punctured lung, compound leg fractures, a fractured skull, sternum and rib fractures, and a fractured face that required reconstructive surgery. Bothe required extensive surgery and six months of rehabilitation.

To his credit, the young man is turning his ordeal into a living lesson. He plans to spread the message, by example, that you can be a great driver and an even more dexterous texter, but there’s a reason both machines should be operated separately.

Now I hope that he learned a valuable lesson.  People, texteritis is serious!  Do not take it lightly.  You were warned.

Related articles

• Texteritis outbreak reported! (myvuze.wordpress.com)
• Video: College student drives off cliff while texting prophetic message (autoblog.com)
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• Texas College student almost predicts his death caused by texting (intomobile.com)

Disrobed Judge faces disrobing

In a case that is taking the country by storm and putting my city on the map, but not in a good way, a local judge is on the hot seat defending herself against allegations that she knowingly hid her spotted background during the screening process for her job.  She failed to disclose the naked truth about herself, so to speak.

The story has more turns and twists than a bait worm contorting on a fish hook.   Apparently Jack King uploaded his wife’s photos sans robe, on a website without her knowing.  She did however, knowingly took the pics but had no idea what became of them after that until she got the call from Hugh Hefner.  Just kidding, jeez, can’t a guy have some fun with this?

Jack also tried to coerce and twist the rubber arm of a brother, (As in black guy) Alex Chapman, to get him to engage in some hanky panky with him and his unsuspecting wife, in her chamber perhaps?  Alex at first had no issue with  seducing ‘your honor’ but later voiced objections, which were sustained.  Anyways, cash was exchanged and a confidentiality agreement was signed by Alex to keep mum about the nudes and the offers Mr. King made to him.  After all, risqué photos never come back to haunt anyone.

This all happened in 2003.  Time passed and the potentially lethal volcano lay dormant but still highly explosive.   (Wow! Did I just wax poetic there or what?) then in 2010, it exploded.  Alex, sill harboring thoughts of what could have happened, decided that he could maybe squeeze some more money out of this situation.   He tried to sue Lori and Jack  on the grounds of sexual harassment and the resulting investigations and court hearings got us to where we are now.  Read it here for yourself or Google the sordid circus act.

So Jack the lawyer, moonlighting as a Hustler photographer, was ordered by whoever lawyers report to, to pay a few thousand dollars for his major part in all of this.  His practice was left intact.  His law practice that is.   Not sure if he’s still practicing photography and solicitation.  His wife, who still maintains her ignorance, is faced with losing her livelihood.  The scales of justice seems a bit unbalanced here, doesn’t it? Or is it just me?  Jack started this whole mess and that’s all he got? I guess his buddies at the law firm didn’t know Jack.

I realize she may be lying through her teeth but her husband confirmed that she was not privy to any of his dirty deeds past the  nude photos taking.  It is difficult to prove that she did indeed know so it boils down to her word against the judiciary council’s and if it doesn’t fit, then they must acquit.  Right? Isn’t that how it works? If not, what do I know? I am not a law student but it sure did work for OJ.

When asked if there was anything in her background that would reflect on poorly on the judiciary,  Lori was quoted as saying, “Well this one time at band camp…”

ORDER!

 

Related articles

• Judge’s lawyer calls for sex scandal inquiry to fold – CBC.ca (cbc.ca)
• Internet nudie judge faces inquiry Monday (lfpress.com)
• Husband of Manitoba judge in sex scandal set to testify (cbc.ca)
• Christie Blatchford: Jack King falls on his sword over nude photos of judge wife (fullcomment.nationalpost.com)
• Inquiry into judge sex scandal to resume in Winnipeg (cbc.ca)
• In Canada, it’s dandy for a judge to pose for nude bondage pics (fellowshipofminds.wordpress.com)

Texteritis outbreak reported!

Students with Texteritis. Note the hunched shoulders

Don’t panic just yet but I have some bad news.  Apparently there is an epidemic, or is it pandemic? that is going around.  Yes sir, it’s called Texteritis that is very contagious.  It does not discriminate.  Sex, age or race, no one is exempted.  Don’t take this lightly folks, this is some serious stuff I’m talking about right here.  I don’t care who you are, this stuff aint funny.

Take the other day for example, my wife and I were at a restaurant enjoying a rare lunch moment alone.  No, not alone with the kids, alone with each other.  There’s no such thing as ‘enjoying lunch with kids’ and you should know that, if not go read here.  But anyways, as I was saying, we were having lunch at a restaurant and happened to see these five young construction workers suffering from various forms of Texteritis.  Texteritis usually renders its victim speechless and devoid of social skills, hence they were sitting there without a word to each other.  Their hunched shoulders, were also a symptom of Texteritis.  How sad.

Now, I am not immune to this disease.  I have experienced minor symptoms myself which compels me to grab my cell while in the company of friends and family, and start texting.   With exercise and self-discipline, I have been able to avert a full onset of the disease, fortunately.  Some are not so fortunate.

In the same restaurant,  not far from the stricken construction workers, four businessmen sat with zombie-like expressions,  (a visible sign of Texteritis).  They, like the construction workers, had also lost the ability to converse.  Again, how sad.

If you are still thinking that this is a teenager disease, think again.  On the weekend I was at the beach and not far from my picnic spot sat an elderly gentleman and his happy-face wife.  I am not sure why she was even happy as her husband was obviously suffering late stage Texteritis.  He was sitting there, albeit close to her, while his thumbs flew across the keypad.  Ok, maybe he was just playing games on it but he too seemed to have lost verbal communication. When I left the beach, he was still sitting there with his oblivious happy wife.  Well, as the saying goes, as long as they are happy…

The crazy thing about Texteritis is that it can strike at anytime and anyplace, just asked the young woman who was took ill on her own wedding day while walking down the aisle with her dad no less! Yes, you read it right, she had to send and or receive a text message at that important time.  If you are going, ‘What?!’  Read it here.  This Texteritis is nothing to sneeze at.  poor bride.  How sad.

I have seen victims of the disease at work desks, bus stops, churches, toilet stalls, everywhere.

I am a worry wart or a hypochondriac as the medical people call it, so I of course went to see my doctor with my concerns.  He assured me that I had nothing to worry about and that Texteritis generally, note that I said ‘generally’ strikes those between 13 and 39.   He said with proper parenting, my own kids should be ok.  The good doctor also made some suggestions as to how I could immunize myself and my family from this dreaded disease.

I will share his recommendations with you.

Keep exercising your voice by using it to talk to my friends and family, not by texting.

When in a social setting, put cell on vibrate and put it away unless it’s an emergency.

It’s not that important that you have to text and drive or walk and text.

You should practice calling someone on you cell.  If  you can remember how to.

I quickly made it home to pass on this information to our ailing foster son.  His response was, “Maybe they have an app for that.”

Note:  If you or someone you know are experiencing uncontrollable urges to texts at inopportune times which alienates you from friends and family, please pay attention to your symptoms and seek help immediately, your social life depends on it!

Related articles

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The Lord's Prayer with a unique twist

Reblogged from Musings Of A Daddy:

I really love this:

"Our Father Who Art In Heaven.

Yes?

Don't interrupt me. I'm praying.

But -- you called ME!

Called you?
No, I didn't call you..
I'm praying.
Our Father who art in Heaven.

There -- you did it again!

Did what?

Called ME.
You said,
"Our Father who art in Heaven"
Well, here I am..
What's on your mind?

Read more… 891 more words

I just had to reblog, especially since I have been blogging on The Lord's Prayer lately

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Mullet Gone Wrong

Definitely needs a Mullet

In a bizarre case, in an Amish community,  a family with the name Mullet is accused of giving unwanted haircuts to Amish men.  Specifically their beards.   Don’t ask me why, I don’t know but the humor was not lost on me.  I love it!  Here is the story:

A federal grand jury has indicted four more women over a rash of bizarre beard-cutting incidents against fellow Amish in Ohio, the US Justice Department said Wednesday.

A total of 16 people — 10 men and six women — have now been accused in what prosecutors called five “religiously-motivated assaults” between September and November.

The four new defendants named were Lovina Miller, Kathryn Miller, Emma Miller and Elizabeth Miller, who had not previously been charged. They are all married to nephews of Samuel Mullet, the accused ringleader of the attacks.

The 10-count superseding indictment also adds charges against some of the defendants for concealing and destroying evidence, including a disposable camera, shears and a bag of hair from victims of the attacks.

Mullet, the bishop of the Amish community in the village of Bergholz, Ohio, was also additionally charged of making false statements to federal agents during the investigation.

Many of the other accused are members of Mullet’s own family.

In each assault, the defendants assaulted and harmed their victims by “forcibly cutting off their beards and head hair and causing them other physical injuries because of previous and ongoing religious disagreements,” the indictment said.

It noted that “beards and head hair are symbols of the Amish religion” in explaining the harm done to the victims.

The assaults involved scissors and battery-powered clippers to forcibly cut or shave the beard hair of the male victims and the head hair of the female victims. They also used eight-inch (20-centimeter) horse mane shears “sharp enough to cut through leather,” according to the indictment.

The defendants were indicted for violating a federal law against causing, or trying to cause, bodily harm with a dangerous weapon because of the actual or perceived religion of that person.

In addition, Mullet and three others, including one not indicted for bodily harm, were charged with concealing or trying to conceal evidence, including photographs and an over-the-counter drug allegedly placed in a beverage consumed by one victim.

The Amish, a close-knit Mennonite Christian community that predominantly dwells in the central US states of Ohio and Pennsylvania, shun modern conveniences such as electricity and motor vehicles.

Related articles

• Ohio Amish say not guilty in beard-cutting attacks (newsok.com)
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CURBING MY ENTHUSIASM, LMAO!

I have decided to curb my usage of the common internet slangs  LOL, LMAO and ROFL, which I rarely use anyways.  I am going to go retro and start using the smiley face instead.   Come on, they are being overused as it is, especially lol.  Look in the mirror next time as you send a text with lol at the end.  You are probably looking as serious as a heart attack yet you are saying to your friend that you are laughing out loud.

Whenever I use ‘lol’,  I feel stupid. I picture myself actually sitting or standing there alone laughing out loud to something not remotely funny.   How hilarious is ‘I am running late today as I couldn’t find the sugar for my coffee. lol?’  A smiley face turned upside down into a frown would have been more apt.  Don’t you agree?  I have a friend that writes ‘lol’ at the end of her every text or message.  ‘I am coming over to visit you guys, lol’  ‘I heard you are not feeling well today. lol’ Seriously?

I have never been close to laughing my ass off. Never.  So why do I use LMAO so regularly?  When I use it, I imagine myself in a fit of uncontrollable laughter.  Try getting me to laugh like that.  Unless you are a comedian, impossible.  Us black people we don’t laugh our asses off and you could tell that from looking. We just laugh out loud and leave it at that.  Have  you laughed yours off? lol, jk, nm.

My wife told me a true story about someone’s mom who thought LOL meant Lots Of Love.  She sent a text to her daughter to let her know that a relative had died.  The text went something like this:  ’Hey hon, just letting you know that your aunt has died. lol”   Poor woman…

Does using just a simple smiley face make me seem less enthusiastic? Then good, I should be curbing my enthusiasm anyways.

 

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